At the End of my Rope at the End of the Road...

"When you get to your wits end, you will find, God lives there."

~ Author Unknown

I know it has been almost a week since I have last written.  Like the title of this post says, I have pretty much felt like I have been at the end of my rope.  Last week was my LAST WEEK on bed rest, and let me tell you...it was probably the worst mentally.  Life was still going on around me and I was still sitting in a world by myself.


I have mentioned the importance of a support system...friends who KNOW you, your situation, and how to get a smile on your face.  I was rescued from my own self-sabotage by one of my best friends on Thursday (Thank you, Deva!!).  We took a field trip...not big, but enough to get me away from the walls I felt closing in on me.


Friday was my final Dr. appointment before being officially taken off meds and bed rest.  It went well!!  The baby sounded great on the monitor, I actually had a couple contractions (didn't feel them, but saw them on the monitor), and as a TOTAL shock to the Doc...I was dilated to 4 cm and was 80% effaced!!  Needless to say, having that progress with only 1 week off the Ibuprofen and still ON the Nifedipine, we expected to see the arrival of Taz pretty soon.


So now we are at the end of the bed rest road.  Where do we go from here?  Taz continues doing what he/she has been doing since day 1, but where do I begin the next step of this path?  The field trip WIPED me out.  After all, for 8 weeks, I barely used my legs.  I am 8 weeks behind in the "conditioning" for this marathon that could start at any minute.  As excited as I am at the prospect of seeing my baby soon, I want to make sure I have at least enough strength left to give him/her the best entrance into this world as possible.

Shifting the Focus Paradigm

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death."  

~Author Unknown

When I started this blog, I did it with the intention of sharing my journey of combining the two paradigms of health care and how they can work cohesively.  At this point, I can see how easy it is to slip into the "what's easiest" mentality, rather than the "what's best" way of thinking.  Yesterday we went in for the weekly BPP and this time got another measurement.  The last time Taz was measured, he/she was approximately 4 lbs. 3 oz.  Yesterday, Taz was measured at approximately 6 lbs. 10 oz.  I am 34 weeks and 4 days...Taz is growing big and strong!!

I also started thinking about the pubic symphysis pain I have been experiencing.  It has been a "nagging" pain for a couple weeks, but it wasn't until Sunday and Monday of this week that the pain had become excruciating.  What I realized last night after posting the last blog, was that I have been on Ibuprofen for weeks.  Sooo...of course it wasn't as painful as it has been over the past few days.  Getting my head back to "My" reality, it was reassuring to know that now that my body isn't being "tricked" by the ibuprofen, my natural pain relievers and endorphines will be able to take affect and the pain will subside a bit.


Looking forward to the delivery and the "freedom" I'm going to have in a few days, I'm going to be off medications that were put into place for the trauma/emergency treatment that Taz and I needed to keep him/her safe and still "cooking".  I'm also going to be off bed rest.  That means....the allopathic "Reactive" treatments are done for now.  It is time to go back to Vitalism and being "Proactive" in preparing for a healthy, natural delivery.  After all...it wasn't the medication or lack of movement that got Taz to the size that he/she is...it was INNATE!!!  


This entire time, the baby has been growing and developing without the NEED for anything to do it.  Everything else was to make sure there was enough time for the baby to develop.  Now, it is up to Taz on when he/she wants to "make a break for it" again.  This time, we will welcome him/her with open arms and lots of love!!

Removing Some Shackles...Putting on Others

"Being in jail, it's humbled me in a way I never imagined."
~ Foxy Brown

34 weeks and 2 days today.  This is my second day OFF Ibuprofen.  YEAH!!!  One set of shackles off...just a couple more to go.  It is amazing how much being on bed rest can make you feel like you are a prisoner in your own body.

As a parent, we teach our children skills to try to prevent them from going down the wrong path and being positive, contributing members of society, rather than a prisoner.  As a Chiropractor, I do the same for my patients and their health.  I teach them skills to implement into their lives that can help prevent them from becoming prisoners in their own bodies.  How many have seen shows like The Biggest Loser?  One of the things the contestants almost always say is that they once feel like they were "prisoners in their own body, but now they are free to live."  

I have mentioned before about my prior health issue from a couple summers ago.  This pregnancy is showing me even more.  What is expected of me on bed rest goes completely against all I promote in my pregnant patients.  I tell them to start moving early...establish a nice exercise routine...and to think of themselves as an athlete training for a marathon in approximately 40 weeks.  Certain muscles need to be toned, certain nutritional considerations must be made, and most importantly, Chiropractic visits need to be maintained to be sure biostructural and neurological integrity is maintained.  

Because of the bed rest, there has been muscle atrophy.  At this stage of the pregnancy, the hormone Relaxin is increasing in the body to prepare it for delivery.  That relaxes ligaments and the pubic symphysis, the cartilage joint in the front of the pelvis.  When I take care of my pregnant patients, this is the time visits are more frequent to make sure that biostructural integrity is there for delivery....having my "sentence", I haven't been able to get the care I recommend for my patients, and MY pubic symphysis has some dysfunction going on.  OUCH!!!  

Again, having to experience what happens when things are approached reactively rather than proactively has strengthened my purpose for what I do and WHY I do it.  Once I get into a comfortable position, I'm fine.  However, the moment I start moving my legs to shift or move...or those first steps after finally being able to stand....I'm brought to tears.  Off with the Ibuprofen shackles, on with the ball and chain of pain!!

Connection Interrupted...

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

~ George Bernard Shaw

For anyone who has been confined to bed rest, they can understand how loneliness can build.  The feeling of loss of control of your life and everything around you just builds and builds along with your feeling of uselessness.  The most interaction you have is with the people you connect with online either through chat rooms filled with people in your similar situation, or taking those awkward phone calls from people you haven't spoken with in a long time calling you to see how you are "recovering".  Don't get me wrong, I TRULY appreciate the gesture, but I haven't suffered an injury or had an illness that I need to recover FROM.  Those who truly KNOW you and your situation are different.  Those are the true breaths of fresh air that help you reconnect with the "outside world".  

Unfortunately, the communication that seems to breakdown and the connection that seems to be the most interrupted is that with your SO (significant other).  I have to say again, my Hubby has been AMAZING through this whole experience, and I couldn't ask for a more supportive partner.  I really couldn't ask for more.  We see each other everyday, especially now that I'm home, but even though we are together...WE are not TOGETHER.

In most cases, I'm asleep or in bed when he gets home from work, and when I wake up in the morning (I stay in bed longer since I'm up every 3 hours to take medications), he is already out of bed and downstairs because he has walked the 11 yr. old to the bus stop.  I shower, get dressed for the day, gather my things to move the "party" downstairs, and head to my other "perch".  As I get down there, he starts on preparing my breakfast.  From that moment on, it is non-stop for him.  He then cleans the kitchen, gets some laundry done, runs errands, grocery shops, all while I'm sitting not being able to help him.  So...even though we are home together...we aren't TOGETHER.

With a routine like that, what is there really to talk about?  What is new with me?  Well...I may have seen a new episode of a television show...or stumbled across a new website...or read a few more chapters in a book.  What I have discovered over the past several days is that I REALLY miss US.  I miss being able to focus on US and the baby together.  The only time we really get that opportunity is to and from Dr. appointments.  Trust me when I say....it's not enough.

For those of you going through something similar, let me give you a heads-up....MAKE TIME FOR EACH OTHER.  Schedule one-on-one time with NO distractions.  I really took for granted the visits I had from him in the hospital.  They were brief, but the entire time  he was there it was US time...baby time...with no interruptions or distractions.  The nurses would stay away when he came and would come in again after he left.  Now that I'm home, it is different.  We are alone together a lot more, but the distractions of the kids, the house, etc, takes that time away.  Now is the time you need to be strengthening your connection in preparation for the time you need to be the most in sync...The arrival of your little one.

Being on bed rest is a LONELY sentence.  It really is.  Until someone has been there themselves, they truly can't fully understand the impact it has on your psyche.  Physical pains develop from the lack of muscle use and movement.  Psychological pains develop from the lack of interaction with other people.  Life is going on outside your four walls.  Field trips are nice, but where do you go to somewhat feel "normal" again and still not push it?  

Teamwork is the most important during that time and you need to be able to KNOW you can count on each other and both of your needs are met at that time.  There should be absolutely NO static in that line of communication.  I know for me, I want Taz to come earthside to a fully connected parental unit so he/she knows the love we have for him/her from that very first breath.