It Takes a Village to Raise a Mother

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."
~ Albert Schweitzer

I'm going to come out and say it.  This is the second time I started this blog post.  I had started typing, had a little melt-down, let some friends know what was going on in my head, got a virtual smack to the back of my head to get me back on track, and started over again...including the title and quote!!  There wasn't anything bad that happened today, on the contrary, great things were happening at the office.  The negative that I was feeling was because I couldn't enjoy it myself and I started having a little "pity-party".  

I'm not going into the details, but a 4 month old received his first adjustment today.  His mommy got him started and is getting the rest of the family checked, too!!  Another healthier family!!!  I love that.  What I AM going to go into with more detail is the importance of a support system.  Every woman who has pregnant will tell you that as soon as someone finds out you are going to have a baby, the advice starts flowing warranted or not.  In my first couple posts I commented on the importance of me putting together my perfect Birth Team.  I truly believe there is just as much of an importance in putting together a general Mama Support Team.  This should go beyond even just your family.  They will be there for you through thick and thin, but by having a group outside of your family may give you insights on things you hadn't considered before.  Seek out a group of moms, other pregnant women, and other like-minded women (and by like-minded, I mean those who have the same philosophies regarding health, birthing, etc.) to keep in touch with throughout your pregnancy AND BEYOND.

I am EXTREMELY fortunate to have a group of ladies like that to keep me "in check".  Like the Schweitzer quote referred to...my "inner fire" was going out for a bit today.  These wonderful, strong, supportive ladies definitely rekindled my inner spirit!!  The beauty of this blog is that often times after I post, I will get a little text or Facebook message from a friend or family member that gives me a little boost, too.  My support system, or the "Kool-aid drinkers" as I lovingly refer to them (some of the ways we view pregnancy, birth, health, etc. aren't considered "Mainstream".....YET....he he he), are my cheerleaders, shoulders, advice-givers (when asked, of course), and exactly what I need as I go through this journey.  They are the cheerleaders on the sidelines of this marathon I'm running and will be there at the finish line to help me recover, too.  Don't get me wrong, my family is my CORE support and I couldn't do any of this without them. But as tonight's title states...it DOES take a village to raise a mother.  Thank you, ladies!!!!

Lessons Learned for Big Dreams

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”

~ Bil Keane

Most parents would agree that when they have dreams for their children, they want AT LEAST what they had growing up, and in most cases better...or more.  Each generation tries to improve things for the next.  I know that was heavy on my sister's mind when she was pregnant with my nephew.  It has DEFINITELY been on my mind as well.  There are important key factors we need to remember, though...circumstances are usually different, opportunities aren't always the same, and as long as we are loving our children and giving them what they NEED from us emotionally, spiritually, as teachers and leaders, and provide their necessities, they will be FINE.

How many times have we thought, as adults, "If I could do ______ over again...."?  I wouldn't do anything different, personally.  Experiences from my past have contributed to who I have become as a person.  There were lessons in those experiences that provide framework to future encounters.  What I have come to realize in my many hours of contemplation, is that though I may want this baby to have what I had growing up, any changes I would have considered making, I CAN!!  I'm not saying that I would prevent this child from facing challenges, because challenges help us learn what we are capable of.  This pregnancy has thrown "challenges" my way, and I have HAD TO grow, learn, and move forward with the understanding that these lessons have purpose.  The experiences I have had in the past can also help me to PERSONALLY bring the knowledge gained to my children and teach them myself, creating another opportunity to share moments.

I always considered myself, as a Doctor, a teacher.  In fact, if I hadn't become a Doctor, I probably WOULD HAVE become a teacher.  To be a parent is also to be a teacher.  I have heard so many parents wonder where the "owner's manual" is for when they have their baby.  The truth is that your past and present experiences are pages that make up the manual that will help you make decisions regarding your children.  I knew that in my head before, but this "time to think" has really helped me understand it in my heart.  What I have learned about health and nutrition will give my child a better start.  He/she will grow up not knowing what soda tastes like, so they won't be addicted by the time they are 10 years old.  He/she will KNOW what a healthy portion of food is as opposed to eating until they are stuffed.  This child will be adjusted from birth and will always have his/her body working the way it was designed to....from above-down, inside-out without interference...the same way Taz is growing and developing now.

The Chamber of Solitude...aka Mental Rehab

"Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away."

~ Barbara De Angelis

I forgot to announce yesterday.....WE HAVE MADE IT TO 31 WEEKS!!!  I don't want to jinx myself again, but Saturday marks a VERY IMPORTANT 32 weeks.  At this point, the likelihood of developing serious disabilities due to premature birth has decreased IMMENSELY.  Mostly what we would be looking at would be difficulty with breathing on his/her own...as a possibility (and we DID do the steroid treatments to decrease that chance), or difficulty feeding on his/her own.  Practice breathing is assessed during the BPPs that will be performed once a week from the 32 week mark and on.  As an amazing group of supportive women chant for me...."Keeping 'sticky' vibes for Taz".  We want him/her to keep cozy in the oven as long as possible.  The excitement now is that we are 4 weeks to safe delivery, and 9 weeks (Yeah single digits!!) to a COMPLETE 40 weeks.


**Just a little disclaimer....40 weeks is average gestational age based on the first day of the last menstrual period.  Every pregnancy is different, and these truly are "Guess Dates"....The baby will be ready when it is ready!!  From 35 weeks on, labor will not be stopped, especially as long as Taz keeps growing at this rate.**


Ok...now for today.  When I woke up this morning for my 6:00 med dose, Hubby got up to get ready for church and I decided that I was going to just stay in bed as long as possible.  Normally I would start getting ready for the day around 8:20 so I can be downstairs and settled by my 9:00 med time.  Not today.   Hubby made me breakfast and brought it up to me before leaving for church at 8:00.  After finishing breakfast, I took a shower, got "dressed" and climbed right back into bed.  I stayed awake until my 9:00 meds, then went back to sleep.  I was REALLY nice.  I realized that by going downstairs, I not only would have the MANY distractions that pull me away mentally from the task at hand, but really wasn't necessary to let anyone in the house who came to visit me.  We set up a great system for family and friends that have come to visit me while I would be here alone.  I have the garage door opener sitting next to me on the coffee table.  When someone pulls up, they call me and I open the garage for them to come in.  When they leave, they call me from their car and close the garage again.  It's BEAUTIFUL.  He he he.  


When hubby got home from church he came up to change and I can sense some tension in him.  He said everything was ok, but the flexing jaw muscle told me something different.  As he walked out of the room, I could overhear some of the conversations between him and each kid.  It was at that point I was confident in the choice I made to stay in the bedroom today.  It actually created the peace I was feeling at the hospital, in the comfort of my own bed.  There was no hustle and bustle around me to tempt me away from my mission...I got to look at the area we are planning on "building" the nursery (We have a nook in the room that is PERFECT for a crib, changing table, and nursery-feel.  We also have another area in the room that we want to make into a "sitting" area and put my glider and another recliner for hubby).  I got to focus on the baby all day...if I wanted to nap, I did.  If I wanted to web surf, I did.  If I wanted to read, I did.  Hubby would make frequent visits to make sure I didn't need anything, and had his cell handy for me to text him if I did between trips.  Have I mentioned that I love that man????


Shortly after hubby left for work my Nina (Godmother) stopped by with a little treat for me from Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.  She brought me my favorite Tea Latte....yummmm.  After such a nice morning and early afternoon, I was "Zen" enough to come downstairs for the evening and actually hang out with the kiddos for dinner.  When I got to the bottom of the stairs, my mom and dad were here!!  They surprised us with dinner...Pizza and Wings (not the healthiest choice, but definitely helped satisfy a craving I have had for a while).  We had a nice visit and the kids and I finished the night off by watching one of our "Family Shows".  I think I have found the secret to surviving the weekends....Morning Mental Rehab in the "Chamber of Peace and Solitude" to completely center myself before joining the "outside" world.  I'm looking forward to my morning with the man while the kids are at school.  We need the "Us" time.

A "Control Freak" out of control...

"When we direct our thoughts properly, we can control our emotions..."

~W. Clement Stone

I have a problem....if I spend too much time being idle, I think too much.  When I think too much, I allow my thoughts to carry me to a place far away from where my mind SHOULD be, and therefore I lose control of my emotions.  Today has been a difficult day.  I'll get into that in a minute. I forgot a few details of my visit from yesterday (maybe discussing that will help me to direct my thoughts to where they need to be).

The plan now that I am home is to have a weekly visit with Dr. Francois.  The first one was yesterday, then again next Friday.  After that (I will then be 32 weeks...A HUGE MILESTONE), I will go in for 2x/ week monitoring.  On Tuesday mornings I will have a BPP (Biophysical Profile) like the day I was contracting in the hospital.  The purpose of the BPP is to evaluate the health and progression of the baby and looks at fetal heart rate, muscle tone, movement, practice breathing, and amniotic fluid around the baby.  On Friday mornings I will be meeting with Dr. Francois and having an NST (non-sress test), which involves a monitor on a belt around my abdomen that measures the heart rate of the baby in relation to movement.  It looks for increases and decreases based on amount and intensity of fetal movement.  This test was being performed twice a day while I was in the hospital and was the reason the baby was nicknamed "Taz".  That will continue on until the baby decides to make his/her TRUE entrance into the world.  Our goal right now is to go until 34-35 weeks without contracting like before.  If I start to go into labor at that time, we aren't going to do anything to stop the progress, which is why having a little "chubber" now is good.  We want a well-developed baby delivered to limit the probability of him/her not being able to come home with us after delivery.

There...mind is back on purpose...but how did it get away from it???  One simple word...EGO.  That is most easily the smallest word with the most negative consequence.  My mind starts wandering from the WHY of everything (a safe and healthier remainder of the pregnancy FOR THE BABY) and towards what I would "normally" be doing, or what I WANT to do without regard to the precious cargo I am carrying.  My conscious mind takes over and distracts me from the innate subconscious.  My feeling of guilt for not being to play and wrestle with my nephew when he visits, guilt for not being able to help hubby clean the kitchen when the kids all "go into hiding" to not have to help or do anything, my guilt for hubby wanting to miss his niece's 17th birthday party or coming home early so I'm not alone... again this is all going back to ME, my ego, and not realizing that we both are sacrificing for our child so he/she has the best chance at a healthy start.  I need to remember that this is how our journey was meant to go...this is OUR path, not just mine.  I know he does what he does for the love of me and our baby, just as I know I have to NOT do what I'm NOT doing for the love of him and our baby.

I originally thought that by not finding out the sex of the baby, it will help me to learn to let go of control and take things as they come.  If I knew the sex of the baby, I would have been going crazy making sure the nursery area was "Perfect".  I guess God felt I needed a stronger lesson in giving it all to him, strengthening my faith, learning that not only can I not control everything, but what I CAN control needs to be directed in a productive direction.  Just as I tell my patients...to be well you need to eat well, move well, and THINK well, and if you aren't actively moving TOWARDS health, you are dying faster.  The biggest adjustment I need is an ATTITUDE adjustment!  

Sacrifice and Rewards

"Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice, and is never the result of selfishness."
~ Napoleon Hill

Ok...I'm going to admit it. THIS is the first "real-time" post.  From this post forward, everything discussed would have just happened that day.  This morning I had my first "post-hospital" visit to my OB.  I didn't get much sleep last night, not just because of my every 3 hour med schedule, but I was anxious about today's appointment.  I did everything I was supposed to and I didn't feel anything different, but I never felt anything before I was sent to the hospital.  I just didn't know what to expect.

I got up this morning, got dressed while hubby went to the 11 yr old's parent-teacher conference.  All the way to the office I had a sinking feeling in my gut and my heart was racing.  Fortunately, all my worry was FOR NOTHING!!  The baby looks great, measures approximately 4 lbs. 3 oz. with great movement, and I'm still at 2 cm dilation.  STATUS QUO!!! The temptation of getting up but not actually doing it and the guilt of seeing my loved ones pull extra duty without my help has paid off.  I get to stay home!!  Emotions just need to get in check (good luck with that, I know).  I guess I'm going to have to get used to the views from my couch.

Home Sweet? Home....

"Seek home for rest, for home is best."
~Thomas Tusser

So, yes, I came home on Saturday.  Still having some mixed feelings, but overall excited for the next phase in this process.  My guidelines were pretty much the same as at the hospital:  I can go to the restroom, take a 10 minute shower, but other than that, I pretty much need to stay still.  I can spend some time (no more than 30 min) outside for some fresh air, and can take OCCASIONAL field trips to my parents' house (5 minutes away) to sit and perch there for the day.  Medication schedules are to stay the same, which includes alternating a couple meds every 3 hours (even throughout the night).  I set my alarms on my phone to go off every 3 hours with the meds listed for that particular time.


I started this blog not just to be therapeutic for myself, but to hopefully help any other women that may end up in my position (obviously each experience will be a little different, but someone might be able to relate to my particular journey).  Rather than bore anyone with details of the next week (to get caught up to real time), I'm going to breakdown the ups and downs of the day:


Saturday:
Ups - First car ride of the year, discharged from the hospital, first time HOME this year, get to come home to the hubby and kids, REAL FOOD for dinner, sleep in my OWN bed, hubby made dinner and was RIGHT THERE whenever I needed ANYTHING, the entire family sitting together downstairs watching TV together for the evening
Downs - Oldest turning down the mall to pretty much sit and "watch" me like I'm a ticking time-bomb, watching hubby jump up to tend to any need he thought I had even while he was eating dinner, watching hubby prepare clean the kitchen and prepare dinner without being able to help, ENTIRE FAMILY sitting during the evening with an anticipation in the air like something is going to happen with me, hubby waking up every 3 hours when my alarm went off to take meds, not being able to relax during sleep times because I was afraid of sleeping through an alarm


Sunday:
Ups - Field trip to mom and dad's house for nephew/Godson's 3rd birthday (Hubby took me to "the sitter" right after I finished getting dressed so I was there all day), spent the day with family, got to enjoy my "Mr. Sir's" birthday party (he had been asking to see me for the past week and I missed that little booger).
Downs - Watching hubby's concern all day because I'm not HOME on my first full-day out of the hospital, not being able to help set-up, clean-up, socialize during the party, having my nephew need to bring his presents to me so I can see him open them rather than wherever HE wanted to, not being able to be outside watching him enjoy his new bounce house


Monday:
Ups - Morning with hubby at work and kids at school....house quiet and I wasn't being watched, Nice lunch time visit with mom, dad, and nephew, got in a good nap
Downs - Moved my "party" upstairs by 4:00 because the oldest insisted on doing her homework on the kitchen table because she "didn't want to go upstairs" (she NEVER did her homework in the kitchen before this)...translation: "I'm not going to let you be alone in case something happens to you"


Tuesday:
Ups - Morning with hubby at work and kids at school...downstairs quiet and I wasn't being watched again, got in a couple good naps
Downs - Had to send the oldest upstairs because she attempted to do "not homework" in front of the TV (because I refused to go upstairs so early again)...translation:  "I have homework to do, but I still want to keep an eye on you, so I'm going to say it is optional in hopes that you will just let me do it down here."


Wednesday and Thursday:
Ups - Mornings spent with hubby (he was back to his regular schedule of going into work at 2:00), sleeping at night was a lot easier and isn't waking hubby up anymore, tomorrow is my first "post-hospital" OB visit and we get to see and hear Taz again!!
Downs - First frustrating and emotional days.  It has been slowly building through the week, but watching my mom rush between her errands to bring me lunch, and watch Hubby come in from running errands, bring me lunch, unload and put away groceries, clean the kitchen, make dinner, answer the door, and get ready for work...and not be able to do a SINGLE THING to help...it just REALLY weighs heavy on my heart.


Let me proclaim this right here and not:  I'M NOT SICK....I'M NOT BROKEN....I'M NOT GOING TO BREAK!!!  I'm tired of being "watched"/babysat and I'm tired of hearing, "Don't give her a hug you can hurt her".  I'm healthy and fully functional, I'm just not allowed to walk much.  I'm also not a "sit on the couch and do nothing"-type of person.  After a long busy week do I like having a day of rest?  Yes.  But....every day....all day....to not be able to make my own lunch, or put my dish in the dishwasher, or take out the trash, or dust the family room, NOTHING...I don't like having to 100% depend on other people.  I prefer to help others and have a difficult time asking for help myself.  Most moms would agree that they feel the same way.  For any of you that might have a pregnancy that takes you down a similar path, a word of advice:  Truly make the most of the hospital bed rest time, because a week of bed rest at home is more difficult emotionally than a month's worth of bed rest at the hospital!


Tomorrow is my first appointment with my OB since being home.  I hope the discipline and emotional stress will lead to a positive outcome.  I know Hubby's worry is that we will go in for a check-up and I'll need to be re-admitted again.  He feels that would be a bad reflection on his ability to take care of me.  I love that man.  I know he worries. I couldn't have asked for a more caring, strong, supportive, loving, man by my side.  He takes better care of me than I would EVER dream!  As long as he is with me tomorrow, we can handle any outcome.

Should I stay...or should I go????

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

~Mae West

Friday morning....testing time....will I get sent home....or will I stay???

In comes Dr. Francois....when I came in:  bulging bag of waters, 2-3 cm dilated, 90% effaced.  Today: Bag no longer bulging, 2 cm dilated, 70% effaced...I'M GOING HOME!!!!  Soooo....why do I feel some hesitation?  Don't get me wrong, I have missed my husband like CRAZY, would love to catch up with the kiddos, can't wait to have more meal options, and would LOVE to sleep in my own bed.  The problem is I know myself, and I already had a taste of what letting just a little of the "outside world" into my head.  To be disciplined enough to sit on the couch all day...with the kitchen right there and the temptation to clean, organize, grocery shop, etc. staring me in the face...well, I need to make sure the Type A+ in me remains focused on the task at hand....KEEPING UP THE INCUBATION!!

In the hospital, I didn't have a choice but TO stay in bed...no distractions...no temptations.  At home, distractions will be all around me.  I have to be honest...for the first time during this experience, I can safely say, I'm scared.  I'm afraid of failing.

Letting the Outside In

"By prevailing over all obstacles and distractions, one may unfailingly arrive at his chosen goal or destination."

Christopher Columbus

Monday January 16th I had my first "anxious" day.  I woke up feeling antsy, anxious, couldn't relax, and it was driving me crazy.  What was different?  Why did I feel this way.  It wasn't until towards the end of the day that I realized what it was.  I was letting the "Outside in".  I was thinking of all of the things I "should be" doing outside those hospital walls....responsibilities in the office....my patients' care....the kids' activities....how was Hubby holding up....needing to clean the "nursery nook" in my bedroom...etc...etc... All things I couldn't control as long as I was in the hospital.


It wasn't so much just 1 particular topic, item, bit of information that made me feel this way.  It was the cumulation of little bits of info that I had THOUGHT I had just let go, but they were all sticking around waiting to gang up on me at once.  Once I realized what was taking me down this negative path, I turned to a gift one of my aunts had brought me a few days prior.  

It is a beautiful metal cross with the word "FAITH" across the middle.  It was like a smack in the face.  Just as I have faith in the power making the body growing inside me, I must remember my faith in that same power overseeing all.  I had to remember my purpose...my goal...to successfully keep this baby inside long enough to give it the best start at "life on the outside" as possible.  Nothing else mattered again.  I woke up from my haze and got back to the task on hand.  I was surprised at how hard it would hit so quickly when I let a little distraction in.  I was ecstatic when the opposite was even faster!!


Ok...back on track...focus engaged..."blinders on" to the outside "stressors"...BACK TO BUSINESS OF INCUBATION!!!  Friday I will be checked to see if I can be cleared to go home on Saturday.  Hmmm...as easy as it will be to keep my eye on Friday, I need to keep taking one day at a time. 

Status Quo...WAIT...spoke too soon

"There's nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever."

~ Gandhi

The next two weeks became routine.  Over the weekend I was under quite a bit of observation, but by Monday I was off the IV completely and only on oral meds, I was being put on the fetal monitor twice a day, I was allowed to go on 30 minute wheelchair rides once a day, take a shower, and I had passed the 28 week mark...Mission #1 (make it to 28 weeks) COMPLETED!  Next step...make it to 30.  


Surprisingly enough, the time FLEW by and I had enough to entertain myself between occasional blogs (which is why I'm not yet at "real time"...sorry), Facebook, Pinterest, and playing games with friends online.  I had one of the kids load up a case with movies, and Hubby brought another case of my favorite TV shows on DVD to watch.  The time also gave me an opportunity to register online for my shower (we didn't know exactly when or where it was going to be held yet).  When the two-week mark came and my 29 week date was only 2 days away, we got excited at the prospect of only having 1 week more to go in my stay.....well....we should have just kept being excited for one day at a time.


Thursday January 12th started like all of the others.  I woke up, ordered my breakfast, received my morning meds, and was put on the monitor.  On most days, Dr. Francois would stop by either right before I was put on the monitor, or shortly after I was taken off.  Also, Hubby usually would visit me early in the morning before he went to work, so after work he could go home and take care of the kiddos.  That day, he was there, and I had just been put on the monitor when Dr. Francois came in to check on me.  I explained how things were "Status Quo"...not feeling anything strange...feeling plenty of movement...and not "leaking" anything.  She told us that she would re-check my cervix the following week and our goal was to get me home at the start of week 30 (the following Saturday).  She said, "I'll see you tomorrow, keep up the good work" and left the room.  Hubby and I started joking about him having only a week left to get the house in order before I came home.  We continued to joke around a bit for around 10-15 minutes, when Dr. Francois came quickly back into the room and asked us what was going on....I had had 2 contractions since she had left the room.  She asked me if I had felt anything and I told her I hadn't. She informed me that according to the monitor I was having a third contraction!!!  I got quiet....tried to focus....and still didn't notice anything different.  Nothing.  Not a flinch...cramp...contraction feeling at all!!  This concerned her a bit and she jumped into action.  We needed to get these contractions to stop!!


I was given an IM dose of Toradol and my meds were changed around a bit.  I ended up being on the monitor for 2 1/2 hours, as opposed to the 20 minute normal scan.  In the first 30 minutes, I had 6 contractions!!!  I had 8 in an hour...6 the second hour...and only 1 in the last 30 minutes.  I was going to  start the second treatment of steroids the following day to reinforce the first treatment in case of premature delivery.  There was no way I was going to NOT do that with the new developments.  We were able to get the contractions under control, but not without increasing our concerns about my chances of going home the following week.  We decided that rather than getting ahead of ourselves, we were going to just going to take one day at a time.


After that morning "scare" everything started to equalize again.  My blood sugars went a little crazy because of the steroids, but they evened out again, Glyburide was added to my "cocktail", I got adjusted that evening...and contractions ceased.  With the addition of Ibuprofen in my treatment for the reduction of contractions, my fluids needed to be monitored, too.  I received an AFI study (Amniotic Fluid Index) to make sure everything was good.  Results:  AOK!!!  Quick alert...but overall, back to Status Quo....ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Reality Sets In

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like."
~Lao Tzu

I know exactly when it was that my brain clicked back into "Mommy-mode" and the reality started to set in.  The first full day I was here, the Neonatologist came up to discuss what the potential outcomes could be if I delivered in the next couple of days.  As he explained the possible complications to the baby's health, the decrease in risk percentage as time goes on, the procedures that would have to be performed IF those complications arose, etc...I kept thinking, "Yep, I know this.  I understand.  I get it."  Unfortunately, that was the "Clinical / Doctor brain" listening.  Once he left, however, Mama came back.  I realized that what was discussed wasn't regarding a hypothetical child in a textbook...it was MY BABY he was referring to.  Needless to say, the tears finally made an appearance.  I was also processing the entire thing in a room by myself.  Hubby was taking care of the kiddos at home and came a little later.  After all, life doesn't stop because I'm in here.  


I let myself process this "new" revelation for about 20 minutes.  As I repeated the conversation with the Neo in my head over...and over...there was a word that kept popping into my head..."IF".  IF I go into labor in the next day or two.....IF the baby's heart isn't strong enough...IF there isn't enough brain development....etc....etc.  It reminded me of our youngest always asking, "What if..." and coming up with ABSURD scenarios.  So I used the same reasoning I use with him:  Change the F in IF to an S and focus on THAT!  Look at the "What IS" rather than worrying about the "What IF".  


So it was time for me to take note of the "What IS":  #1 - The baby is still inside.....#2 - There were no contractions seen on the monitor....#3 - The baby is still inside....#4 - I was under the BEST CARE I could possibly be under...#5 - The baby is still inside....#6 - For every day the baby was still "cooking" was 1-2 days less the baby would need to be in the NICU...#7 - The baby is still inside...#8 - The more movement I was feeling from the baby and was showing up in monitoring, the stronger the baby is...#9 - The baby is still inside...and #10 - I didn't have to worry about the risks and complications applying to my baby now because THE BABY IS STILL INSIDE!!


Here's my reality.  My cervix is weak...my baby is strong...my body needs help keeping the baby inside to continue to allow innate to develop the baby to "Birth-ready".  This is my pregnancy path.  Every patient on this floor of the hospital has a different story.  On paper, there may be similar diagnoses, but how they got to this point, and how they will move forward is different.  No 2 pregnancies are the same...even within the same family.  My journey was meant to bring me to this point for a reason.  That's why I'm blogging.  If I can share my story and connect with even just 1 person, it will be worth it.  If my patients can see me going through this process even with the feelings and convictions I have regarding health care and childbirth, then it will only make me a better doctor for them, too.  I have come to the realization, between last summer and now, that sometimes to provide the best care possible for your patients, you must walk the path alongside them.  Most importantly, my reality is to make sure this baby stays growing healthy and strong, so delivery will come when THE BABY is READY, and the way nature intends it to be.  My job until that time will solely be to provide the best environment for innate to continue to work and develop little "Taz" so he/she has the best start at life.

Ripening "Produce"

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

~Lao Tzu

The plan was as follows:  Get me on Magnesium Sulfate (smooth muscle relaxer) to prevent any further contracting and in the case of early delivery, IV antibiotics (GBS test results would take a couple days for results), and a round of steroids (to promote the baby's production of surfactant in the lungs...again, in case of early delivery).  Because of the affect the steroids have on blood sugar, my dosage of metformin was increased and sugar levels were to be checked after every meal.  If my levels were climbing too high, a "Back-up" of Insulin would be administered.  Glyburide would also be administered at night because my fasting sugars will be higher since movement in sleep is less than awake, thereby less sugar would be utilized for energy.  Mission #1: Keep this baby inside for another week and 2 days...let's get to 28 weeks (Survival rate of the baby is the same as that of a full-term).  My personal goal...keep this baby "cookin'" until 36 weeks...AT LEAST.

That night I was put on 24-hour fetal monitoring.  Let me tell you, this baby may have been trying to come out early, but he/she was SURELY going to let us know they may be small, but they are MIGHTY!!  He/she was moving NON-STOP!!  Every 10-20 minutes, the nurse would have to come in and reposition the monitor because the baby was playing hide and seek.  This went on all...night....long.  Several nurses took their turns coming in and trying to locate the baby again. The little stinker would get back on the monitor....then "run away" again.  I swear, this kid WILL be a Hide and Seek CHAMP!!  Because we are staying strong in not finding out the sex of the baby, and the amount of movement the baby was doing, he/she developed a reputation and was nicknamed "Taz".

Once I was settled in, I felt it was time to contact the family and let them know where I was and what was going on.  Needless to say, it was a difficult phone call...not because of WHAT was happening, but because I hated the fact that they would probably cut their trip short.  I reassured them that I was okay, where I needed to be, and under the best care possible, and they decided to head home the following day only cutting their trip short by 1 day.  As it was getting later, Hubby needed to get to the other kiddos and get things set up at home.  We both knew this was going to be an "interesting" next several weeks.  Fortunately, we knew we had the love and support of our families to help with the kids' schedules.  That weekend was New Year's weekend, and we had already planned on spending it at my sister-in-law's house for our annual NYE celebration.  Hubby made sure the kiddos were taken and they stayed overnight, spending the time with family and their cousins, while hubby picked up "Date Night Dinner" and we celebrated New Year's together.  Fortunately, for Christmas, we got two of the kids iPod touches and were able to Facetime with them at midnight.

Two Worlds Unite

"All compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals is a surrender. For it is all give and no take."

~Mohandas Gandhi

I have gotten a lot of questions and doubts from family, friends, and colleagues regarding how I am handling the situation.  "Going to the hospital and being put on medications? Doesn't that go against everything you believe in with Chiropractic?"....."That's not Chiropractic"...."So much for your natural pregnancy and childbirth, huh?"..."I guess you CAN'T control everything, can you?".  Well, here's MY truth:  Everything that is being done is because I AM AGREEING to it.  There are medications I have refused because frankly, I don't need them, and guess what...my Dr. and the nurses are OK with it!!  As for the "That's not Chiropractic" and "So much for your natural pregnancy and childbirth" comments....Chiropractic isn't about medicating vs. not medicating.  It is not about hospital birth vs. home birth.  What Chiropractic IS about is making sure there is no interference to the nervous system to prevent your body from functioning how it is supposed to...by removing vertebral subluxation.  PERIOD.  Guess what....I have been adjusted regularly for the past 10 years and I continue to get adjusted as I'm sitting here in a hospital bed.  Now is even more important than ever because there are more stressors being put on my nervous system.  Here is another fact:  Even though I'm in the hospital and on medications, INNATE IS STILL WORKING!!!!  No amount of medication given to me, no amount of bed rest is MAKING this baby grow and develop....Innate is.  When it comes time to deliver, I plan on doing it vaginally, drug-free, in a calm surrounding, being coached by my husband, with my Doc only there to "catch", as long as the baby isn't in distress from being born too early Dr. Francois will delay cord clamping, the baby will go directly onto my chest...the nurses can "clean" him/her there. This baby also will still NOT get vaccines, Vit. K, or eye drops.  How does that take away from a natural birth?


This brings me back to the situation at hand....I have said it before and I will say it again:  There is a time and place for every branch of health care.  I teach patients that the letters after a Doctor's name just gives someone an indication of HOW they treat patients (which tools/techniques they use).  A DC (Doctor of Chiropractic) is focused on making sure the body is working the way it was designed to.  It is a vitalistic approach to "health" by focusing on proactive care.  The patients will get sick, but their body's will work as designed to fight disease.  An MD will treat conditions via medications and surgery.  They are allopathic in the approach and are great for trauma or emergency care when the body's healing abilities can't keep up with the rate of breakdown.  These are all fundamental principles that I have understood for years.  It has taken this experience to really not only test my faith in these principles, but also my follow-through.

The strength of my conviction wasn't clear to me until I was admitted to the hospital.  From the moment I saw the image on the screen, my mind switched from "Mommy"-mode to "Clinical"-mode.  I tried to make it a point to turn off the "Dr." brain when I went in for visits to take in the entire experience and not over think or take any part of this experience for granted.  It clicked back on when I saw what was ahead of me.  I guess that explains my "composure" even as we were shown to my room at the hospital.  Dr. Francois arrived shortly after we did and was surprised at how well I had held up...I guess I just hadn't let myself feel it yet.  

My reception was mixed, as I half-way expected.  Most people, unfortunately, are so set in their paradigm of thinking of healthcare that they have little to no tolerance for thinking outside their reality.  This was a sad truth I learned early in my "Chiropractic Life".  It didn't worry me too much because most importantly, my Dr. and I were on the same page as to how we wanted to approach this pregnancy.  Everyone else had to follow.  As I was getting settled the hurried chaos began.  I started getting blood drawn, an IV was being started (I was a little dehydrated, so any "needle- procedure" was made more difficult), blood was being drawn, and I was being put on the fetal monitor.  Amidst all the "madness" there was only 1 "negative" interaction I had with a nurse.  In trying to distract me, she asked, "Not exactly what you counted on, huh?"  I said how it was a vast difference from the home birth I originally wanted.  Oooooohhhh....the dirty "H" word.  Her face grimaced as she gave me a disgusted look and said, "Don't get me started on home births....you actually wanted like the whole tub and everything??" and then scoffed.  My response was, "Not necessarily a tub...just home where I'd be comfortable."  I could tell from that moment that I was definitely NOT gaining a friend.

As a lab tech was finding a vein for a blood draw, "Nurse Cratchet" was trying to locate the baby on the fetal monitor.  I realized that she was pressing pretty hard with no concern to my comfort.  The lab tech asked, "Am I hurting you?"....to which I responded, "Not as much as it is hurting lower."  Of course, I was referring to the "seeking out" of the baby.  Nurse Cratchet just gave me a glance and said, "Yeah, I'm sure this hurts."  Hmmm.....funny.....it hasn't hurt since.  Fortunately for me, that was the only encounter I have had with her.  Other than that, everyone welcomed us with understanding and care.  Knowing the possible length of time I could be in the hospital, I just hoped at that time that there could be a mutual respect for approaches and opinions of the situation.  Otherwise, it is going to be a looooooooooong stay!!

So what, Now what?!?

"Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work."
~H. L. Hunt

So far in this pregnancy I have learned that I can't control IT....IT takes the lead.  I continued regular care with Dr. Francois and the baby was progressing well.  The dreams of a "Home away from Home birth" were still vivid.


The weeks leading up to Christmas were pretty stressful.  I was fighting the emotional pull downward into depression when thinking about finances, the practice success, providing a positive Holiday for the kids, etc.  2011 was a very busy year filled with big events.  In the beginning of the year I sold my half of my Chiropractic practice to my (then) business partner and opened an office by myself.  The following month my husband (fiance at the time) and I bought a house together for us and the kids (he has 3 from a previous marriage that he has sole custody of).  Our wedding was in July...and a few weeks later we learned about our "Wedding night baby".  Needless to say, we never had much "Transition time" for everyone to get OUR family dynamics and traditions established.


We made it through the holidays relatively unscathed, and were really looking forward to our next OB appointment on December 29th.  We were going to get another glimpse of "Produce".  Produce is the name given to the baby by my niece.  She realized that every time she would ask how big the baby was at any particular time, I would compare it to a fruit or vegetable.  Rather than trying to keep up with the changes, she decided to just cover all bases with "Produce". 


Hubby got home from work, took a quick shower, then we were off to our appointment.  We got there early....I left my "sample"...then we were quickly taken in for the US.  BEAUTIFUL heartbeat...approximately 2 lbs. 6 oz....(a little ahead of schedule)....looked away during "parts" inspection (we are holding out and being surprised about the sex)...and just an amazing looking baby.  Then, it was cervix inspection time.  I noticed the tech having difficulty seeing it, and she said she would need to do a vaginal scan to get a better view.  As soon as the wand entered and approached....the situation was clear and on the big screen in front of me.  She needed to get my Doc.

Dr. Francois came in relatively quickly, with a more serious look on her face than we had seen since starting care.  She looked at the scan, looked at me, and I'm sure she could see in my eyes that I, too, understood what we were looking at.  My bag of water was bulging and covering the cervix...to what degree, we weren't clear...it was time to move into an exam room.  Dr. Francois wanted to take a look at my cervix before doing an exam to try to figure out the degree of the bulge.  It turns out, I had dilated 2-3 cm.  WHAT?!?!?!  I'm only 26 weeks!!!!  WAAAAAAY TO EARLY!!!!  Dr. Francois, God bless her, in her sweetest, calmest voice said, "Well, sweetie, you are going to need to check in to the 'Hotel Scottsdale Healthcare' for a while."  I knew it....bed rest....we need to make sure this baby stays in the slow-cooker!!  It was also at this time that Dr. Francois and I realized that my parents, sister, and nephew were on a Christmas trip to Disneyland, and I had JUST been sent a picture of my sister and nephew with a HUGE smile on his face having the time of his life.  How and WHEN do I tell them???

Limitations of Matter

"I thank God for my handicaps, for through them, I have found myself, my work, and my God."

~Helen Keller

Pregnancy does funny things to a body.  For some people they feel like they are superhuman...for others, they don't know how they can survive the 40 weeks.  My first trimester was a dream.  Some may want to smack me, but I only had 1 "bad" day...only 1 day that I was throwing up.  Others I was just extremely sleepy beyond belief.  Fortunately for me, the kids' play area in my office was an amazing spot to nap between seeing patients.  Unfortunately...all good things must come to an end.

In July of 2010 I was taken to the hospital with pancreatitis.  My gall bladder had to be removed, my body was shutting down, my blood sugars went through the roof, and my blood pressure was climbing fast.  By the time I left the hospital (2 weeks later), I had a diagnosis of pancreatitis, Type 2 Diabetes, Hypertension, Gastroparesis, Erosive Esophagitis, and Erosive Gastritis....WHEW...I know, a mouthful.  Needless to say, I had the biggest wake-up call regarding my health and choices I could ever have been "blessed" with.

Looking back I realize that my experience actually made me a better Doctor for my patients.  I had to go through everything I was trying to keep them from in order to strengthen my conviction for healthy choices and walk the healing path WITH them. I walked my talk, completely cleaned up my diet and kicked up the exercise.  Within 7 months I was off all medications including insulin and my health was thriving.

My goal was to keep up this lifestyle and get my body in the best condition possible to carry a baby.  My husband and I (fiance at the time) had always said that once we were married we weren't necessarily going to TRY to get pregnant, we just weren't going to prevent it.  Our wedding was July 9, 2011.  NEVER did I ever expect to get pregnant on our wedding night.  My health was better, but still not as stellar as I wanted for my pregnancy.  My body was still in the healing process from the previous summer, but I knew that as long as I kept up with my healthier lifestyle, I would be giving my pregnancy the best chance for success.

Visits with my midwife were going well, and Dr. Francois felt comfortable with what was going on.....until I started into my second trimester.  Dr. DiCampli (my midwife) and I noticed that my blood pressure was climbing and not coming down.  It wasn't at dangerous levels, but we both knew that what was coming up in my pregnancy wasn't exactly going to lower it much.  I'm not a person who stays pretty still.  In 2011, I sold my practice, started a new practice, bought a house, got married to a man with 3 kids (including 2 teenage girls and a 10 year old boy) he has SOLE custody of, and got pregnant.  Yeah...not much on my plate to affect my BP at all, right??  I knew my outside stressors were not going to change, so the co-management of my care shifted a little stronger to Dr. Francois.  From that point on, I decided that a home birth with my history would be riskier than I was comfortable with (Dr. DiCampli and I had a good heart-to-heart about it).  Dr. Francois took over my case with the understanding that we were going to try to make this delivery as close to a home birth "away from home" as possible.  The hospital I was to deliver at has birthing balls, tubs to labor in, I will be free to walk around during labor, can get into comfortable positions, etc.

Up until delivery, everything was still to be managed by diet, exercise, natural methods, etc.  I was still getting adjusted (part of my lifestyle anyway, but most important during pregnancy) and had regular check-ups with Dr. Francois.  The baby's heartbeat was strong, I was still feeling great, but my body was still "working things out".  With the change in blood pressure, it was recommended that I start tracking my blood sugars again.  At around 22 weeks, I noticed a climbing trend...my fasting sugars were higher than they had been and they just weren't coming back down.  Diet hadn't changed...I was still eating good, but as I mentioned earlier, pregnancy does funny things to the body.  After not being on ANY medications for 11 months, we decided to "assist" my pancreas with a very low dose of Metformin at night.  Again...I was comfortable with that and grateful for the birth team I had assembled.  After all...pregnancy also is not a permanent state and my body should regulate again after the baby is born.  My priority is a healthy, safe pregnancy for this baby and being proactive in reducing any chances for further complications.  So far, even with the best choices being made to be healthy, my body had it's own struggles.  It was working the best it could...but still needed a little help.  Again, there is a time and place for all branches of healthcare.  I'm grateful for that understanding.  Unfortunately, this wouldn't be the last time I would have to remember that.

Best Laid Plans

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
~Mother Teresa

I have always wanted to be a Doctor.  My interest in the human body and how it works has been strong from a very young age.  I grew up "in" the medical environment...my mom worked for a high-risk OB/GYN office for 15+ years, and the Medical Director became my martial arts instructor, friend, and "second father".  Numerous times I would visit my mom at work and end up accompanying him to a delivery, including "assisting" in c-sections (I was in college at the time...Pre-med...researching my future).  I learned a lot in that environment, and I was exposed to some of the "worst of the worst" scenarios with some of the most amazing life-saving procedures performed.  This exposure truly gave me an appreciation of understanding that there is a time and place for all types of treatment, but I couldn't, however, let go of wanting to work more with being proactive in health and working more WITH the body and it's natural processes.  That faith in the human body directed me to become a Doctor of Chiropractic.

I am a Chiropractor.  I fully believe that the Power that Makes the Body, Heals the Body.  There is an innate intelligence inside all of us that is responsible for our healing, health, and LIFE in general.  When I found out that I was pregnant in July, I put into practice what I teach my patients to enhance their pregnancy and promote a healthy, enjoyable experience.

Pregnancy is not a disease...it is a natural state.  Labor and delivery aren't medical procedures, they are natural processes.  A fellow Chiropractor stated it well when he said, "The greatest Doctor of all times was put inside of all of us, by God, at Conception.  If you have any doubts about this bring the Doctor that you think is the greatest, 9 months worth of pickles and Ice Cream, and have them make a baby out of it..."‎ It was clear once learning of my pregnancy that I wanted a 100% natural home birth and to be taken care of by a midwife.  Unfortunately, last summer in July I DID have a medical crisis.  I am a Chiropractor who specializes in pediatric and pre-natal care, so I understood that my past medical issues could potentially make another appearance during my pregnancy.  Most importantly, I wanted to make sure that my "Birth Team" was put together in a way that would make me completely comfortable and trusting that my wants and needs were going to be met.  This meant that I needed to be ready with a back-up plan for if/when those issues appeared and a home birth would be tricky.

My midwife was amazing...she is also a Naturopathic Physician, Dr. Jesika DiCampli, and WILL BE my baby's pediatrician.  She understood my medical history, my current wants and needs, and also understood my desire for a "back-up" plan.  She respected and encouraged me to seek out an OB/GYN that I trusted to bring on to my "Birth TEAM" so they could be on the same page.  Of course, my choice was easy.  Dr. Karrie Francois was a friend I had met while she worked at the office my mom worked at.    The previous Medical Director of that office had since become the Chief Medical Officer of a local hospital and had a very limited practice, so going with Dr. Francois was an easy choice for me.  Almost 3 years ago she delivered my nephew, she referred patients to me for co-management (with Chiropractic care), and she understood my desires for the most natural process possible.

My first visit to Dr. Francois was intense for me.  I felt very protective of my wants for a natural birth and wasn't completely sure about what to expect for her reaction.  It turns out, there really was no need to worry.  She was VERY understanding and told me that she appreciated my desire for a natural birth and respected my decision to have both a vitalistic and allopathic birth team.  She told me to keep my midwife as "point" and just keep her up to date on everything with weekly e-mails so she stays in the loop.  I left feeling complete...my team was assembled, and my pregnancy future looked bright.  I had found a specialist on both sides of the healthcare spectrum to be a part of my Birth Team, so all bases were covered.....THANK GOD I'M A PLANNER!!!