A "Control Freak" out of control...

"When we direct our thoughts properly, we can control our emotions..."

~W. Clement Stone

I have a problem....if I spend too much time being idle, I think too much.  When I think too much, I allow my thoughts to carry me to a place far away from where my mind SHOULD be, and therefore I lose control of my emotions.  Today has been a difficult day.  I'll get into that in a minute. I forgot a few details of my visit from yesterday (maybe discussing that will help me to direct my thoughts to where they need to be).

The plan now that I am home is to have a weekly visit with Dr. Francois.  The first one was yesterday, then again next Friday.  After that (I will then be 32 weeks...A HUGE MILESTONE), I will go in for 2x/ week monitoring.  On Tuesday mornings I will have a BPP (Biophysical Profile) like the day I was contracting in the hospital.  The purpose of the BPP is to evaluate the health and progression of the baby and looks at fetal heart rate, muscle tone, movement, practice breathing, and amniotic fluid around the baby.  On Friday mornings I will be meeting with Dr. Francois and having an NST (non-sress test), which involves a monitor on a belt around my abdomen that measures the heart rate of the baby in relation to movement.  It looks for increases and decreases based on amount and intensity of fetal movement.  This test was being performed twice a day while I was in the hospital and was the reason the baby was nicknamed "Taz".  That will continue on until the baby decides to make his/her TRUE entrance into the world.  Our goal right now is to go until 34-35 weeks without contracting like before.  If I start to go into labor at that time, we aren't going to do anything to stop the progress, which is why having a little "chubber" now is good.  We want a well-developed baby delivered to limit the probability of him/her not being able to come home with us after delivery.

There...mind is back on purpose...but how did it get away from it???  One simple word...EGO.  That is most easily the smallest word with the most negative consequence.  My mind starts wandering from the WHY of everything (a safe and healthier remainder of the pregnancy FOR THE BABY) and towards what I would "normally" be doing, or what I WANT to do without regard to the precious cargo I am carrying.  My conscious mind takes over and distracts me from the innate subconscious.  My feeling of guilt for not being to play and wrestle with my nephew when he visits, guilt for not being able to help hubby clean the kitchen when the kids all "go into hiding" to not have to help or do anything, my guilt for hubby wanting to miss his niece's 17th birthday party or coming home early so I'm not alone... again this is all going back to ME, my ego, and not realizing that we both are sacrificing for our child so he/she has the best chance at a healthy start.  I need to remember that this is how our journey was meant to go...this is OUR path, not just mine.  I know he does what he does for the love of me and our baby, just as I know I have to NOT do what I'm NOT doing for the love of him and our baby.

I originally thought that by not finding out the sex of the baby, it will help me to learn to let go of control and take things as they come.  If I knew the sex of the baby, I would have been going crazy making sure the nursery area was "Perfect".  I guess God felt I needed a stronger lesson in giving it all to him, strengthening my faith, learning that not only can I not control everything, but what I CAN control needs to be directed in a productive direction.  Just as I tell my patients...to be well you need to eat well, move well, and THINK well, and if you aren't actively moving TOWARDS health, you are dying faster.  The biggest adjustment I need is an ATTITUDE adjustment!