Reality Sets In

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like."
~Lao Tzu

I know exactly when it was that my brain clicked back into "Mommy-mode" and the reality started to set in.  The first full day I was here, the Neonatologist came up to discuss what the potential outcomes could be if I delivered in the next couple of days.  As he explained the possible complications to the baby's health, the decrease in risk percentage as time goes on, the procedures that would have to be performed IF those complications arose, etc...I kept thinking, "Yep, I know this.  I understand.  I get it."  Unfortunately, that was the "Clinical / Doctor brain" listening.  Once he left, however, Mama came back.  I realized that what was discussed wasn't regarding a hypothetical child in a textbook...it was MY BABY he was referring to.  Needless to say, the tears finally made an appearance.  I was also processing the entire thing in a room by myself.  Hubby was taking care of the kiddos at home and came a little later.  After all, life doesn't stop because I'm in here.  


I let myself process this "new" revelation for about 20 minutes.  As I repeated the conversation with the Neo in my head over...and over...there was a word that kept popping into my head..."IF".  IF I go into labor in the next day or two.....IF the baby's heart isn't strong enough...IF there isn't enough brain development....etc....etc.  It reminded me of our youngest always asking, "What if..." and coming up with ABSURD scenarios.  So I used the same reasoning I use with him:  Change the F in IF to an S and focus on THAT!  Look at the "What IS" rather than worrying about the "What IF".  


So it was time for me to take note of the "What IS":  #1 - The baby is still inside.....#2 - There were no contractions seen on the monitor....#3 - The baby is still inside....#4 - I was under the BEST CARE I could possibly be under...#5 - The baby is still inside....#6 - For every day the baby was still "cooking" was 1-2 days less the baby would need to be in the NICU...#7 - The baby is still inside...#8 - The more movement I was feeling from the baby and was showing up in monitoring, the stronger the baby is...#9 - The baby is still inside...and #10 - I didn't have to worry about the risks and complications applying to my baby now because THE BABY IS STILL INSIDE!!


Here's my reality.  My cervix is weak...my baby is strong...my body needs help keeping the baby inside to continue to allow innate to develop the baby to "Birth-ready".  This is my pregnancy path.  Every patient on this floor of the hospital has a different story.  On paper, there may be similar diagnoses, but how they got to this point, and how they will move forward is different.  No 2 pregnancies are the same...even within the same family.  My journey was meant to bring me to this point for a reason.  That's why I'm blogging.  If I can share my story and connect with even just 1 person, it will be worth it.  If my patients can see me going through this process even with the feelings and convictions I have regarding health care and childbirth, then it will only make me a better doctor for them, too.  I have come to the realization, between last summer and now, that sometimes to provide the best care possible for your patients, you must walk the path alongside them.  Most importantly, my reality is to make sure this baby stays growing healthy and strong, so delivery will come when THE BABY is READY, and the way nature intends it to be.  My job until that time will solely be to provide the best environment for innate to continue to work and develop little "Taz" so he/she has the best start at life.